I did not make any New Year’s resolutions this year. I find that they are an exercise in futility. Lose weight. Don’t procrastinate. Walk more. Write more. Play the piano more. Blah. Blah. Blah. What is that saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well, I am the goddess of good intentions. The queen of making resolutions and not being able to follow through. Yes, I can run with the best of them, making promises and resolutions and having all the best intentions that sound really good.  It’s the follow-through that I have a problem with.

So on some random morning last  fall, as I sipped my second cup of tea, I looked at the words engraved on my turquoise blue tea mug, “rewrite your script”. I really looked at these words and it was like all the lights in the theatre came up.  Suddenly it all made sense. “rewrite your script”. White letters against the turquoise blue. “rewrite your script”. That is all I have to do. It’s that easy.

As I thought about this I let the script that blurts out from the tape that’s been running through my head all my life become clearer. I stopped and really listened to the script that has been in control of my mind and I thought, “Seriously? Where did this come from? Why have I taken it as gospel when I know it’s not true? Why do we do this to ourselves?” “How can I change this?”

The answer, I have found, is staring me in the face each morning. Simply rewrite your script. You don’t need resolutions. You don’t need promises. You don’t need good intentions. You need action.Part of this process is letting go. Having faith. Taking baby steps. Jumping in with both feet and believing the water will be warm. Start slowly. Look at your script and change one sentence. Or one word. Even just becoming aware of your script and slowing down the tape is a good start. Have no expectations. Make one little change.

And so I am rewriting my script. To the voice that says, “You are too old and fat and you have too many wrinkles” I say, “Seriously?” To the voice that says, “You should give up playing music because you can’t stay up until midnight anymore, ” I say, “Seriously?” To the voice that says, “You should stop writing songs because nobody wants to hear what you have to say,” I say, “Seriously?” To those voices I say, I have been working on changing my way of eating and am being more active. I have formed a duo to play music and in doing so I have found a way back to my true self. I have written a couple of songs that I really like and frankly I don’t care if they don’t resonate with anyone else.

I have discovered that I don’t need to make a grand gesture in order to make a difference in my life. Simply rewriting my script is making a difference. I can’t change the past. I can’t hold on to the past. I can’t predict or worry about the future. But I can let go of the voices that have kept me stuck. I can decide to eat less sugar. I can take the dog for a walk. I can go to the gym. It’s like editing a story or changing a chord or a melody line in a song. Sometimes a tiny, simple change can make a huge, huge difference. And you won’t know that until you step out of the routine and trust that you can rewrite your script.

This month I turn 60.  I say those words and I think, “Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY?” How the…. Anyway, I wonder what have I done with my life? What could I have done? What should I have done? What will I do? All of these questions keep me awake at night. Sometimes there are more intense questions. Why did I do some of the things I did? How could I have hurt someone I love so much? Why did I make that decision?  Hopefully I’ll find the answers. Or maybe I don’t need the answers anymore. Maybe it’s time to let the past go.  I am rewriting my script. And it feels good.